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Some background: Gerbil stuffing is a sexual practice that straight teenage boys in general, and Howard Stern in particular, suspect gay men in general, and Richard Gere (who is not gay) in particular, of engaging in. If it were widely believed that women stuffed hedgehogs into their vaginas, then women would have to deny “hedgehogging.” Unlike the denial of our hypothetical dinner party guest-the woman innocent of stuffing hedgehogs into her vagina-my denial of stuffing gerbils is necessitated by the accusation. Hundreds of thousands of men and women in this country, my fellow Americans, leave high school convinced that gay men put gerbils in their asses on a semiregular basis. But being a gay man or Richard Gere in America means always having to reassure people that you don’t have a gerbil in your ass-at dinner parties, during family reunions, at funerals, on CNN, at passport control, wherever! For while gay men and, I assume, Richard Gere don’t put gerbils in their asses, not a day goes by that someone-usually a straight 13-year-old boy-doesn’t try to shove one in, figuratively speaking. That would be uncalled for, because no one would suspect her of concealing a hedgehog. This statement is not controversial for the reasons one would hope: it isn’t controversial in the “Hey! That’s uncalled for!” sense, like, say, a woman at a dinner party announcing that she doesn’t have a hedgehog in her vagina. To begin, I would like to make a controversial statement: Clip and save this column, for I will never discuss gerbils again. QWe were having a little office debate about “gerbiling.” How does it work? Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the animal get shoved up the anus with a toilet paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an animal that gets people off? Why? Can’t this cause serious damage? What gives?ĪEvery day, my mail contains at least three questions about “gerbiling.” In the eight years I’ve been writing this column, I have never addressed the gerbil issue, but now, this week and this week only, I am breaking my silence. Some newer readers might’ve missed this column when it originally appeared-some of you who were still in grade school, diapers, or amniotic sacs back in 1998-so I’m rerunning it now because I still get questions about “gerbiling” on a daily basis. To tide all of your hot and/or kinky and/or sore asses over, here’s a column I wrote 15 years ago.
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